Welcome to another Man-tastic Monday! Where I let you know why I wish I was a guy *remember I don't really want to be one* but sometimes it seems like they have it so much easier!
Today we will be talking about showering! A long time ago I received the funniest email on men vs. women showering.....Now I can't find it but I will do my darndest to replicate it.
How to Shower Like a Guy vs How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a
pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. Take off clothes and put them immediately into the hamper. Put on robe and walk into the bathroom.
If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo"
sound. If you see your husband make sure you are covered up, God forbid he see you naked. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (no) Look at yourself in the mirror, but only after you have locked the bathroom door so your husband can't get in. Glance in the mirror but only to see the stretch marks and baby belly from carrying your kids that will never go away no matter what I you try.
Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your butt. Fart I have nothing to compare to that
Get in the shower. Get new wash rag, hang towel and robe right by the shower and then get in the shower.
Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one)
Wash your face Wash face with clean washrag using your facial cleanser
Wash your armpits. Shave armpits
Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off. Wonder what is on the wall of the shower only to discover it's a booger left by your husband.
Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. Seriously?!? What is wrong with men?
Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area. Doesn't surprise me
Wash your butt, leaving those course butt hairs on the soap. And this is the reason we have out own soap
Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner) Make a shampoo Mohawk. Wash your hair twice.
Peek out of the shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again. Rinse hair and apply conditioner
Pee (in the shower) Shave your legs while you are waiting for your conditioner to set.
Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor
because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. Wash body with a gentle exfoliating cleanser and a loofah, rinse conditioner out of your hair. Make sure everything is put back in it's proper place.
Partially dry off. Barely open the curtain or door to grab your towel. Dry off in the shower so you don't get the floor wet. Stick arm out of the shower to grab robe just in case your husband picked the lock and might see you naked. Put on robe and get out of the shower.
Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire wiener size again. Check for zits, stray eye brows and wrinkles.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. Clean up wet floor from your husbands shower.
Leave bathroom fan and light on. Turn off bathroom light and fan.
Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull
Wouldn't it be amazing to be amused by bodily secretions and farts?!? And wouldn't it be nice if it only took 5 minutes to get ready every morning? And this is reason 2 I wish I was a man!
off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again. Do not exit the bathroom because you were smart enough to bring in your clean clothes so your husband couldn't harass you to see you naked.
Throw wet towel on the bed. Hang your towel on the towel rack or lay over the side of the hamper being careful not to let your towel touch anything in the hamper so it won't mildew.
Get dressed in under two minutes. Fart Comb out wet hair,apply deodarant, apply facial moisturizer, apply lotion. Put product in your hair, tweeze eyebrows, blow dry hair, put on makeup, fix your hair, fix your makeup, look for jewelry. Unlock the bathroom door and walk out completely dressed!
Wouldn't it be amazing to be amused by bodily secretions and farts?!? And wouldn't it be nice if it only took 5 minutes to get ready every morning? And this is reason 2 I wish I was a man!
Happy Monday!!!
It's funny because it's true!
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I'm sitting here working with your blog open just so I can listen to your playlist. ;)
ReplyDeleteThat is absolutely hysterical...however, my husband is an exception. He takes longer than I do and he is extremely careful about not dripping on the floor and other things (unfortunately, he is very hairy and no matter what if I don't stay on top of cleaning (and I don't always) we have hairballs rolling around).
ReplyDeleteIn college all of our friends would gather to eat in the cafeteria together. We would wait until everyone arrived. Usually, my husband would be last and when the last person to leave his apartment was asked where Tim was the answer was invariably, brushing his hair. It became a standing joke!!
So true....sad that it's true, but it is. The thing I hate the most is the wet floor! Accident waiting to happen!!
ReplyDeleteLMAO!!! I think I will be looking forward to Mondays from now on! This post is so awesome, I read it twice and then decided to read it out loud to my husband. LOL! So funny Kenzie! Thanks for the laugh!
ReplyDeleteThat was HILARIOUS!!!! And so true!!! I totally lock the door!!!!
ReplyDeleteHahaha! That's too TRUE!! I loved every word of this -- thanks for the laugh :)
ReplyDeleteHaha, every girl should read this before she gets married. That way it won't be such a shock...
ReplyDeleteOh. my. God. This post had me laughing so hard I was almost in tears!!!!! I am so incredibly happy to have found you, and will be your newest stalker-I-mean-follower!!!! ;)
ReplyDelete