Man-tastic Monday Part 4

Welcome to another Man-tastic Monday!

Today I will be complaining talking about diaper changing.  It seems like (well at least in my house) diaper changing is 95% my job.  I don't know if it's because I notice or check diapers often.  But I find myself changing most of Tay's diapers.

I have heard conversations from the other room that go a little like this....

Tay:  "Daddy, I peed."

Daddy:  "Go tell your Mom."

And I end up changing the diaper.  Now Kielyn was a piece of cake to potty train, she started by herself at 17 months and was out of diapers by 2.  Taylor on the other hand is a different story.  I have bribed her with stickers, candy, big girl undies and we have only had one successful potty in the big girl potty.  Most of the time she sits on the toilet for 30 seconds, says she is done and then runs into the hallway where there is carpet and pees.

But I think we might be getting a little closer.  Yesterday she stops and says "Mommy, I'm pooping.  Better change me."  After I laughed for 30 minutes I explained to her that we need to start going poo in the potty.  Hopefully we are on our way out of diapers!

I am the only one who finds themselves changing the majority of the diapers?

Man-tastic Monday Part 3

Welcome to another Man-tastic Monday!  Today I thought we would talk about flatulence, tooting, farting, SBD (silent but deadly) and gas in general.

Here is the definition I found on Wikipedia.....

Flatulence is the expulsion through the rectum of a mixture of gases that are byproducts of the digestion process of mammals and other animals. The mixture of gases is known as flatus, (informally) fart, or simply gas, and is expelled from the rectum in a process colloquially referred to as "passing gas", "breaking wind" or "farting". Flatus is brought to the rectum by the same peristaltic process which causes feces to descend from the large intestine. The noises commonly associated with flatulence are caused by the vibration of the anal sphincter, and occasionally by the closed buttocks.

We will use the word toot or tooting in this post (my kids can't say fart, I know I am a mean mom, but it sounds better than fart).

Tooting brings great joy to most men (or at least the men I know).  It's cheap entertainment.  The louder it is the funnier it is and the worse it smells the better it is.

Take for instance my brother.....tooting, when sitting on me will bring hours of enjoyment, especially if my husband is present when it happens.  I just want to throw up in my mouth.

Or how about my husband?  Hopefully he doesn't read this because he might kill me.  He thinks it is funny to toot in the store and then loudly say "Kenzie, that is disgusting" as he walks down the aisle leaving me standing there horribly embarrassed because everyone thinks that it was me.

The joy of tooting can best be described on a camping trip when we were little.  My brother (I think he was 4ish) had to go pee after we were all tucked away in the camper.  So my Dad got up and took him to the porta-potty near the camp site.  They were gone for about 15 minutes.  When they got back my Dad had the giggles really bad (and he never gets the giggles).  When we asked what happened, my Dad had tooted while they were going potty and my brothers response was "Do it again Daddy, do it again."  We laughed for hours and still laugh when this story is brought up.

Men think their toots are a badge of honor.  Which has rubbed off on my daughters thanks Ben.  The girls are very proud of themselves when they toot and it's even worse when their Dad is around because he applauds them.  How am I supposed to teach them manners when they get a laugh and a "good one!" from their Dad or uncle???

I realize that everyone toots, but please go into the other room.  I don't want to hear it and I especially don't want to smell it.

Am I the only one who thinks tooting should be done in private?  What about your husbands/sons/brothers?  Do they think their gas is funny? 

Man-tastic Monday!

Welcome to another Man-tastic Monday!  Where I let you know why I wish I was a guy *remember I don't really want to be one* but sometimes it seems like they have it so much easier!

Today we will be talking about showering!  A long time ago I received the funniest email on men vs. women showering.....Now I can't find it but I will do my darndest to replicate it.

How to Shower Like a Guy vs How to Shower Like a Woman

1.  Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a

pile. Walk naked to the bathroom.  Take off clothes and put them immediately into the hamper.  Put on robe and walk into the bathroom.

If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo"

sound.  If you see your husband make sure you are covered up, God forbid he see you naked.  Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (no)  Look at yourself in the mirror, but only after you have locked the bathroom door so your husband can't get in.  Glance in the mirror but only to see the stretch marks and baby belly from carrying your kids that will never go away no matter what I you try.

Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your butt. Fart  I have nothing to compare to that

Get in the shower.  Get new wash rag, hang towel and robe right by the shower and then get in the shower.

Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one)

Wash your face  Wash face with clean washrag using your facial cleanser

Wash your armpits.  Shave armpits

Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.  Wonder what is on the wall of the shower only to discover it's a booger left by your husband.

Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.  Seriously?!?  What is wrong with men?

Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.  Doesn't surprise me

Wash your butt, leaving those course butt hairs on the soap.  And this is the reason we have out own soap

Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner) Make a shampoo Mohawk.  Wash your hair twice.

Peek out of the shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.  Rinse hair and apply conditioner

Pee (in the shower)  Shave your legs while you are waiting for your conditioner to set.

Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor

because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.  Wash body with a gentle exfoliating cleanser and a loofah, rinse conditioner out of your hair.  Make sure everything is put back in it's proper place.

Partially dry off.  Barely open the curtain or door to grab your towel.  Dry off in the shower so you don't get the floor wet.  Stick arm out of the shower to grab robe just in case your husband picked the lock and might see you naked.  Put on robe and get out of the shower.

Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire wiener size again.  Check for zits, stray eye brows and wrinkles. 

Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.  Clean up wet floor from your husbands shower.

Leave bathroom fan and light on.  Turn off bathroom light and fan.

Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull

off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.  Do not exit the bathroom because you were smart enough to bring in your clean clothes so your husband couldn't harass you to see you naked.

Throw wet towel on the bed.  Hang your towel on the towel rack or lay over the side of the hamper being careful not to let your towel touch anything in the hamper so it won't mildew.

Get dressed in under two minutes. Fart  Comb out wet hair,apply deodarant, apply facial moisturizer, apply lotion.  Put product in your hair, tweeze eyebrows, blow dry hair, put on makeup, fix your hair, fix your makeup, look for jewelry.  Unlock the bathroom door and walk out completely dressed!

Wouldn't it be amazing to be amused by bodily secretions and farts?!?  And wouldn't it be nice if it only took 5 minutes to get ready every morning?  And this is reason 2 I wish I was a man!

Happy Monday!!!

Man-tastic Monday

Happy Monday Everyone.....ok, that just doesn't sound right.  Especially after the Monday I had.  It was a crazy day at work with tons of problems!  

Do you ever watch guys and dream about being one?  Yeah, me either....kind of, sometimes it seems like being a guy is so much easier, so I have decided to make Mondays Man-tastic!

What are Man-tastic Mondays?  A tribute to the reasons that I sometimes wish I was a guy.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a man, but sometimes I wish I was a man...some of the time it seems like it would be easier.

So today's Man-tastic reason I wish I was a guy...........peeing!!!

**The world is a mans urinal.  They can pee anywhere they want and stand up!  They will never understand what it's like to pee on your pants while camping, avoiding tall weeds and making sure that you are peeing downhill so you don't pee on your shoes.

**Men will never understand the true meaning of hovering and power peeing or wrapping.

{hover} - to be so grossed out by the toilet you are about to pee in that you power squat and hover being ever so careful not to touch the toilet seat

{power pee} - occurs when one is hovering over the disgusting toilet, peeing as fast as you can

{wrapping} - to completely double cover the disgusting toilet seat just in case your foot slips while you are hovering

**Bathroom lines...Why does the mens bathroom line move so much faster than the womens line?  I honestly think that the womens bathroom should be 3 times the size of the mens bathroom.

Wouldn't it be nice to pee standing up?!?!  I think it would be awesome!  Just think, you would never accidentally tuck your skirt in your underwear....not that that's ever happened to me....ok maybe once.....and alcohol may have been involved!

Happy Monday!

Linking to these great parties!